Wayne Rooney has shocked fans by signing a 2 year deal with bitter Premier League rivals Liverpool. The club record goalscorer was widely expected to leave Old Trafford having fallen out of favour under José Mourinho, but few predicted such a controversial destination.
Rooney admits that a single conversation with Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp was enough to convince him.
“Jürgen said all the right things,” the former UTD captain told Soccer on Sunday. “He said he would offer me an opportunity to prove I can still score goals at the highest level and shove it up Mourinho’s hairy Portuguese hole. I was a bit surprised by the language, but having seen José in the shower, I can’t disagree about the hairiness. It’s well documented that his arse looks like my head.”
“I’m excited by the new challenge,” added Rooney. “It’s an honour and a privilege to sign for the dirty, stinking red scum. My message to the UTD fans is, up yours you fickle shitebags. I faked all 253 celebrations, you gullible Manc pox bottles.”
Roy Keane feels that Rooney could regret signing for rivals of the club where he achieved iconic status.
“I remember when Paul Ince signed for Liverpool,” the former UTD captain told Soccer on Sunday. “Myself and Nicky Butt slaughtered a 6 pack of Grolsch and sprayed ‘Paul Ponce’ in huge letters on the front of Incey’s house. It backfired on Nicky a bit. Paul waited for him outside training the next day, held him down and wrote ‘Nicky Butthole’ on his forehead in permanent marker.”
“I rang Incey that night and told him he’d need to do a lot worse to Nicky before we’d stop,” added Keane. “So Incey came back the next day and beat Nicky to a pulp with a golf club. I wanted to strike back, but Nicky felt things were getting out of hand and called a truce. I lost the rag when I found out, and beat poor Nicky to a pulp with the handle off an old yard brush. Credit to Incey, he pulled me off Nicky and helped calm me down. By then I couldn’t remember why we’d even fallen out in the first place, and we laughed the whole thing off while giving Nicky CPR.”