The Roy Keane Quiz: Can you get 10 out of 10?

Roy Keane

Q1. How would you describe this tackle?

This shitebag got what was coming in 2001. People ask whether I regret the tackle. My only regret is not sneaking into the Manchester Royal that night to pull the plug on his life support machine.

Q2. How much should a player give?

When a UTD teammate gave me less than 110% during a match, I'd wait for him in the shower and flog the hole off him with my belt buckle until the water turned red. Dwight Yorke felt the lash of my buckle more than once, believe me. But managers who demand 120% are putting too much pressure on players. There has to be balance.

Q3. Who was to blame for Saipan?

It was 100% Mick McCarthy's fault. But credit to Mick, he invited me into the Wolves canteen many years later when we were both managing in The Championship. I regret throwing scalding hot tea into his face when he extended his hand. The classy thing would have been to shake it, instead of scalding his eyeballs and general face area. You live and learn.

Q4. Alex Ferguson is a?

I have nothing against Ferguson. We won a lot of silverware together and I respect his achievements, the whiskey-nosed pox bag.

Q5. What was John O'Shea's initiation when he joined the UTD first team squad?

The look on that goat's face has haunted me ever since, not to mention the focus and aggression on O'Sheasy's face. I've learnt a lot in the years since about cruelty to animals, and if I had my time over, I'd pull John off that poor goat.

Q6. How many women can I pleasure at once?

Obviously I'm married now, but Theresa knows that if she ever decided to bring a couple of pals home after a few Vinos, there'd be absolutely no problem there. No problem whatsoever.

Q7. How does modern football compare to my own day?

Modern football is a big, steaming pile of donkey shite. In my day men were men. I'd kick lumps out of Patrick Vieira on a Sunday, and still have enough energy to take a ball into the back garden at home and give my 6 year-old the same treatment. No quarter was given to either opponent, believe me.

Q8. If I fought Peter Schmeichel to the death, what would my finishing move be?

A swift neck break is all well and good, but you're looking to make a statement. Otherwise you could have Kasper turning up on your doorstep one rainy night with a meat-cleaver.

Q9. Why does the English national team consistently underwhelm at international tournaments?

I don't know why English fans ever get their hopes up. I think that says as much about the stupidity of the English as it does about the shiteness of their footballers.

Q10. How do I like to relax?

It's just me and the elk. Mano a' Elko. I don't kill the elk. But I hold it down in a headlock until it understands that I could kill it, if I wanted to.