Spanish Footballer Accused of Paying His Taxes

Ronaldo and Messi

Spanish football is still reeling today from the shock news that Athletico Bilbao midfielder Mikel Rico paid his taxes. Cristiano Ronaldo has strongly criticised Rico for what he has called a ‘stunt’.


Ronaldo“Who does this Rico shitebag think he is?” the Real Madrid striker told Soccer on Sunday. “This baldy little Johnny no-tan pays his taxes, and pretty soon all footballers will be expected to pay their way. Well, over my oiled, chiselled dead body. I’d rather burn my money than see one cent flow back into hospitals, schools and emergency services.”

“And anyway, I’m skint,” added the four time Ballon d’Or winner. “Does anybody have any idea how much it costs to hire the Chippendales to waft a giant fan over you while you sleep, 365 days a year? Or to have fresh endangered Rhino juice for breakfast each morning? Last week I had to raid little Ronaldo Jr’s piggy bank, just to cobble together a few million in shrapnel to pay Eminem to rap me to sleep. I’m a single father at my wit’s end.”

Pox Bottle

MessiLionel Messi agrees with his La Liga rival.

“Cristiano is spot on,” the Barcelona hit-man told Soccer on Sunday. “Turns my stomach to agree with the big girly-boy pox bottle, but this tax nonsense is a powder keg. I worked hard to fill my bedroom with enough money to safely do a Scrooge McDuck into the pile from an overlooking diving board. If the taxman reduces the pile, I could do myself an injury diving in. Ultimately, this is a health and safety issue.”

“I blame the fans,” said the Argentinian. “If they weren’t such scrounging peasants, there’d be no need to tax the rich in the first place.”

“The mooching little pox bags,” added Messi.