Rooney: “Sorry About That Whole ‘Leaving’ Thing”

Rooney Everton

Wayne Rooney has apologised to Everton fans for transferring to Northwest rivals Manchester UTD in 2004. Rooney completed his return to his boyhood club on a two year deal this week, and is eager to make amends.

Sorry

Rooney“Sorry about that whole ‘leaving’ thing,” the former England captain told Soccer on Sunday. “It was only banter. Believe me, my heart belongs to Everton. The 13 years at UTD? I was just gathering intel on the shitebags. And every time I kissed the crest, I was actually spelling the word ‘SCUM’ with my tongue.”

“It was always my dream to rejoin Everton when my body packed in,” added Rooney. “When I had to stop for a snooze halfway up the stairs last week, I knew the time was right. So I picked up the phone and called Ronald. I was asleep again by the time he answered, but my snores told him everything he needed to know.”

Delighted

Koeman press conferenceRonald Koeman is delighted to sign one of Everton’s most famous sons.

“It’s a special day,” the Dutchman told Soccer on Sunday. “Yes, it’s true that the ECG machine blew up during Wayne’s medical. Half the gym was destroyed in the fire, but I’m sure it was just an electrical fault. And when the club doctor who took Wayne’s vitals concluded that he is clinically dead? It makes no sense. Could a dead person eat a whole jar of nutella during a short elevator ride from the Goodison underground carpark?”

“I looked in Wayne’s eyes and asked if he’s still hungry for success,” said Koeman. “He obviously couldn’t see me because of his cataracts, but he said, ‘Yes boss, I’m still hungry.’ I said, ‘You mean for success Wayne?’ He’d nodded off again by then, but I’m sure that’s what he meant. Although he seemed to be spooning an imaginary jar of nutella into his mouth while he slept.”

“I’m sure it’ll all be fine,” added Koeman quietly, before appearing to mouth the words ‘What have I done?’