Mourinho Leads Rooney Into Forest With Shotgun

Mourinho and Rooney forest

José Mourinho has moved to end speculation over Wayne Rooney’s future as he shapes his squad for the coming season. The Manchester UTD manager was seen leading his captain into some woodland near Old Trafford, shotgun in hand.

A gunshot was heard a few minutes later, after which Mourinho returned alone.

Peace

Mourinho“Wayne is at peace now,” the former Chelsea manager told Soccer on Sunday. “He was happy at the end — waddling around the forest, eating butterflies. The lad suspected nothing. I snuck up behind and ended his suffering. Now fans can remember him as the lion he was. Not the wheezing hippo he became, shuffling about, his knees and ankles struggling to support his own weight.”

“I’d be lying if I said he didn’t suffer,” added Mourinho. “The bullet only wounded him, so I had to finish the job with a rock. Took three hours. I prefer a clean kill.”

Surprised

Angry Van GaalFormer UTD manager Louis Van Gaal believes Mourinho acted hastily.

“I was shocked when I heard,” the Dutchman told Soccer on Sunday. “Many times I pointed a gun at the back of Wayne’s head, but that was just blowing off steam. What Mourinho has done lacks respect. You can’t just go around shooting record goal scorers willy-nilly.”

“If he’d shot Martial in the face, there’d be no hullabaloo,” added Van Gaal. “That shitebag has a bullet coming. But Wayne deserved to be put out to pasture. He could have lived out his days grazing in the hills overlooking Salford.”

Giggs

Ryan GiggsFormer assistant manager Ryan Giggs disagrees with Van Gaal.

“Mourinho’s shown great leadership,” the Welshman told Soccer on Sunday. “Killing Wayne lays down a marker for the rest of the squad. Obviously it’s a tough time for Wayne’s family, but I’m happy to look in on Coleen every now and then.”

“More than happy,” added Giggs, pawing at his own crotch and making a low gurgling sound.