Jürgen Klopp has denied ‘tapping up’ Virgil van Dijk despite a photograph emerging of the two sharing a bike ride through London’s Hyde Park. Liverpool were forced to apologise for their pursuit of the Dutchman after Southampton lodged a complaint.
“The photo looks bad, but it’s entirely innocent,” Klopp told Soccer on Sunday. “It was just two pals enjoying a heterosexual bike ride, dinner, a movie, a walk, a game of Twister and a sleepover. People add 2 and 2 and come up with 5. I feel sorry for the suspicious little shitebags, but that’s the world we live in. I’ve had to cancel my Ferris Wheel ride with my dear old friend Mohamed Salah now, in case I’m accused of tapping him up too.”
“Honestly, I didn’t even know Virgsy was a footballer,” added the German. “I’ve known him for years, but I never thought to ask what he does for a living. I couldn’t believe when he told me he plays football, although it probably explains why he turned up for the sleepover in a Southampton kit. I just assumed he was one of those full-kit wankers you hear about.”
Van Dijk himself has echoed Klopp’s denial.
“I was surprised to hear the gaffer is a gaffer,” the Dutchman told Soccer on Sunday. “We were hugging heterosexually down by the river when he casually mentioned that he manages Liverpool. I thought he was pulling my leg, because I could have sworn the gaffer was a painter and decorator. I feel bad now. I got him to paint my Nan’s house at Christmas, and she lives in Amsterdam. Although it does explain the terrible finish on her skirting boards.”
“I had to get another painter to fix the job,” added van Dijk. “Harry Redknapp, I think his name was. Charged my Nan a small fortune and we’re pretty sure he stole the good cutlery. So all in all, it’s been a bit of a disaster, to be fair.”