John Terry has been fined a week’s wages by Aston Villa for insisting upon training in the kit of former club, Chelsea. Terry only signed for the West Midlands club this week, but already finds himself in hot water.
“It’s disappointing,” Steve Bruce told Soccer on Sunday. “At first we thought John was just having banter. Grealish and Agbonlahorsy held him down while I stripped him, but there was another Chelsea kit underneath. We stripped that too, but there was another Chelsea kit under that too. He was like a Chelsea onion. I’ve no idea how many layers, but he looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘I can do this all day Brucey, you square-headed shitebag.'”
“It’s harder than it looks to strip John Terry, believe me,” added the former UTD defender. “And there’s a fine line between tearing the shorts off a grown man with your teeth and sexual assault. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get worked up.”
“It fizzled out anyway when John clamped down on Agbonlahorsy’s calf,” said Bruce. “We tried tasering him, but that just electrocuted the pair of them and made John bite down harder. He only let go when I lured him away with a picture of the lovely Mrs Bruce in yoga pants.”
Terry insists that he did not mislead anybody at his new club.
“Can you Adam’n’Eve these slags?” Terry told Soccer on Sunday. “I’ve signed for the claret and blue scum, but anyone who knows me will tell you that John Terry is about two things. Wearing the full Chelsea kit is one. And the other is making intense, uncompromising, no-nonsense love to various wives and girlfriends.”
“I’ve told Lamps my final wishes,” added the ex-England captain. “When I’m eventually murdered by an angry husband or boyfriend, I want my carcass to be sent to a textile loom and woven into a full Chelsea kit. I’ll rest in peace knowing that I’m being worn by some full kit wanker.”