Swansea City to Relocate to New York

Leon Britton and US Flag

Fans of Swansea City have been left stunned by news that the Welsh club have applied for permission to relocate to New York. Pending FA approval, the club could be playing home matches stateside as early as 2018.

Sources confirm that the move is likely to be approved when the FA committee meet next week.

Proposal

ArmadilloAmong the detail of the proposal, Swansea City will be renamed The Swansea Armadillos and share a stadium with AFL team the New York Giants. Armadillo home matches will kick-off at 2:00 am British time, but Sky have confirmed a delayed broadcast will air at a more convenient time of 8:00 am on a new channel called Sky Armadillo, for a subscription of £12.99 a month.

Compensation also features in the plan, with budget set aside to provide basic sanitation to the city of Swansea for the first time. Club owners have also promised to introduce Internet access to large tracts of the city that are still reliant on carrier pigeons for news of the outside world.

Sense

Bob Bradley“The move makes sense,” Swans manager Bob Bradley told Soccer on Sunday. “The owners are American, I’m American. It actually makes very little sense to stay in Wales, if you think about it. Don’t get me wrong, there’s things I’ll miss about Swansea. Not the clunge, obviously — I’ve seen enough women with monobrows to last a lifetime.”

“But the Welsh language is fascinating,” said Bradley. “Say Ychydig Fllyllgh to a stranger, and it can mean ‘Hello’ or ‘I’m going to kill you’, depending on whether you’re holding a machete. And did you know that more than 50 people a year swallow their tongues and die just trying to pronounce the Welsh word for spoon?”

Swansea FansFans

More than a thousand Swansea fans staged a protest outside The Liberty stadium this evening. Police were forced to intervene when a passing armadillo was set upon by as many as a dozen fans and beaten unconscious. Veterinary surgeons tended the injured animal at the scene, and the police have advised the public to keep their armadillos indoors until further notice.