Rafa Benitez was sensationally deported by British immigration officials last night for overstaying his work visa by several months. The Spaniard was arrested at his home in Newcastle after a tense standoff during which he briefly appeared to take his own wife hostage.
The deportation leaves Newcastle United’s preparations for the Premier League season in tatters.
“I’m disappointed,” the former Liverpool manager told Soccer on Sunday. “Firstly, I’d like to apologise to Maria for putting a knife to her throat in a moment of panic. Hearing your own wife scream to the police ‘Shoot Him, Shoot Him, Take the Shot’ is a painful memory I can never erase. I have also let the fans down — putting a knife to a woman’s throat isn’t The Newcastle Way. Maria was correct to stamp on my foot, grab a flower vase from the hall table and smash it over my head.”
“I’d also like to apologise to my players,” added Benitez. “Although one of them must have tipped off the pigs about my visa. I bet it was Shelvey. That little shitebag has ‘grass’ written all over him.”
Mike Ashley insists that the club will find a way to work around the deportation.
“All options are on the table,” the billionaire told Soccer on Sunday. “We’ve asked the FA for permission to play our home games in Benidorm so that Rafa can be in the dugout. Athletico Benidorm have a nice little 3,000 seater to rent. And it’s a stone’s throw from the Red Light district, which seems like a win-win.”
“The other option is to have Rafa Skype himself in on an iPad,” added Ashley. “I rang Steve McClaren to see if he’d be willing to strap an iPad to his face and be Rafa’s body for the season. I was about to offer him a standard zero-hour Sports Direct contract, but credit to Steve, he said he’d work for food and a fresh pair of Y-Fronts.”
“Rafa’s brain and Steve McClaren’s body,” said Ashley. “All of their individual strengths, none of their weaknesses. The perfect football organism. Mouthwatering.”