Jermain Defoe Retires from Club Football

Jermain Defoe and Moyes

England striker Jermain Defoe has announced his retirement from club football. The former Sunderland hitman had been in sparkling league form, but says that he now wishes to concentrate on his international career.

Choice

Jermain Defoe“I had to choose,” the former Spurs striker told Soccer on Sunday. “At my age, it’s hard to combine club and country. But it makes the decision a little easier when your club are a big steaming pile of donkey shite. If we could string two passes together, or defend a corner without shitting our pants, I’d be in two minds. Thankfully that’s not the case.”

“I’ve enjoyed every minute at Sunderland,” added Defoe. “Only joking, it’s been a living nightmare. If I wanted to be spanked once a week I’d buy the missus a paddle and ask her to give my buttocks a right going over in the cellar.”

“I say cellar, but it’s really more of a sex dungeon,” said Defoe. “There’s a broken hoover down there and a few bits and bobs, but it’s mostly sex stuff, to be fair.”

Moyes

Moyes WincingDavid Moyes admits to being caught unaware by Defoe’s announcement.

“He did what?” the Sunderland manager told Soccer on Sunday. “The ungrateful little pox bottle. Ah Christ, no. Was he only messing, maybe? This is bad. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Fuck,” added Moyes. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fanny. Does anyone have Darren Bent’s number?”