Stoke City have signed Antoine Griezmann for £48 million in one of the biggest transfer shocks in Premier League history. The Frenchman had many suitors, including Manchester United, but chose the West Midlands club for personal reasons.
“Hughes saved my life,” the former Athletico Madrid striker told Soccer on Sunday. “I was in a restaurant in Milan last week when I started to choke on a couple of lamb’s testicles. My wife Erika is a nurse and started to give me the Heimlich Manoeuvre, but Hughes came from nowhere, flung Erika down a flight of stairs and took over. A couple of good pelvic thrusts into my buttocks, and out popped the half-chewed balls.”
“I told Mr Hughes, ‘You saved my life, how can I ever repay you?” added Griezmann. “He took a Stoke contract out of his pocket, crossed out the name Peter Crouch and handed me a pen. I had no time to think. Erika was bleeding heavily from her forehead, so I signed it while the paramedics were loading her into the ambulance.”
Hughes insists that the signing is no fluke.
“It’s all about preparation,” the Welshman told Soccer on Sunday. “I put in the hours every summer, loitering around the finest restaurants in Europe hoping a top player will choke on some pulled pork. I gave Cristiano Ronaldo the Heimlich Manoeuvre in Paris in 2012, but the ungrateful little shitebag wouldn’t sign for QPR. That’s your modern player for you. Thankfully, Antoine has more class.”
“I honestly believe that Stoke are only two, maybe three Heimlich Manoeuvres away from challenging for the league,” added the former Manchester UTD striker. “I’ve been following the boy Luka Modric from restaurant to restaurant for the last couple of weeks. He chews his food very well, unfortunately. Excellent jaw action. But please God a tiger prawn will go down the wrong pipe. You need that bit of luck in football.”